Dear Indian Central Board of Film Certification,
Here are some helpful tips about Indian women that might be useful to you in the future. This might avoid embarrassing situations like refusing certification to the film ‘Lipstick Under My Burkha’. And then months later, being forced to give that very certificate.
1) Surprising fact 1: Indian women have sex
This might come as a shock to you. But Indian women (yes this includes all your aunties, mothers, sisters, chachis, buas, daughters & neighbours ) all have sex. They don’t just have sex, they think about sex. A lot. Do you need a moment to recover there?
2) Surprising fact 2: Sex is part of Indian culture
You know that word so beloved of Indian policitians & traditionalists…culture? Well our ancient culture includes the Kamasutra written around 400 BC by the Indian philosopher Vātsyāyana. This renowned book has chapters which are titled: Ways of Embracing, Procedures of Kissing, Oral Sex, Modes of Slapping, Varieties of Sexual Positions & Many More.
This is our culture. Yes I repeat…this is our culture.
3) Surprising fact 3: Female sexuality was ONCE respected
Let’s stay with the Kamasutra, which goes back thousands of years. This much-respected book talks about men taking lovers. And women taking lovers. Women practising the art of love-making just as men did.
Gentlemen, hold your breath (I’m guessing most of the censor board is full of men, judging from your actions) because this might shock you further. Some of the most respected & wealthy people in society during the times of the Kamasutra were courtesans. They hung out with kings & politicians, brokered power deals & generally had what we might call ‘Bollywood’ lifestyles. And yes, before you say otherwise, they were very respected members of society.
4) Surprising fact 4: “Contagious sex scenes” cannot be contained
Gentlemen, there is a feminist revolution (and a sexual revolution) currently taking place among your female population. Now you might not have noticed it because you’re too busy doing things like banning perfectly good female-oriented films. So like it or not, female sex & sexuality are going to be the new norm in films, in magazines, in newspapers and in society. My serious suggestion is: get used to it.
Your Helpful Advisor